Archive for the 'Catalogs' Category



1980 J.C. Penney Christmas Catalog: Atari 800

1980 JCPenny Christmas page354

Oh my holy grail. This is the best gift I ever got, although it was between $200 and $300 when my dad told me, out of the blue, to grab one off the shelves—was it ’82, ’83? That was a lot of money then, and here it’s bloody $1,080! Mine came with Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, and the Basic cartridge. I didn’t have any of the peripherals, and at some point after War Games came out I started to long for a more sophisticated system: the IBM PC XT. That never happened, but I did get to borrow one from my dad’s friend, who went out of town for a weekend. I was on that thing all night, man, just sitting in the dark, my face lit up by the glare of that beautiful green text.

The 800 was my first love, though. And you never forget your first love.

(Image via WishbookWeb. Click to enlarge.)

1980 J.C. Penney Christmas Catalog: Roller Derby Skates and Playsuits

1980 JCPenny Christmas page539

1980 JCPenny Christmas page511

“Low cut” disco skates? A skate tote? That rules.

If you had to go to the grocery store today in one of these playsuits, which playsuit would it be? I’d take the space deal, obviously.

(Images from the deliciously nostalgic Wishbook Web.)

1980 J.C. Penney Christmas Catalog: Galactic Attack Dome, Buck Rogers Toys, Star Trek Toys, and Star Birds

First things first. On the bottom left of the first page you’ll see a caption, CONSUMER INFORMATION ABOUT ADVENTURE TOYS. The text underneath reads:

The active, imaginative play that adventure toys stimulate provides children with a socially acceptable way of releasing tension. These toys take children into a pretend world and yet help them to express their feelings about the real world and to act out adult roles. It is the child who controls the action with these toys. This helps the child feel less dependent.

Fascinating. How much bloody tension could we have needed to release? It’s like we were all one empty Ding Dong box away from turning into Macaulay Culkin in that movie where he plays crazy evil kid who tries to throw Elijah Wood off a cliff. The line about the pretend world somehow bringing us closer to the real world is bullshit, but it’s sophisticated bullshit. Sure, the pretend worlds of Beethoven and Shakespeare express feelings about the real world, but the Galactic Attack Dome does not, even though it’s bloody fantastic and I’m seriously bitter that I never got a crack at it. The Navarone set is a beauty too, and a Marx classic.

I don’t remember these Buck Rogers Toys, but I watched the trashy series with my dad, who suffered through the silliness for glimpses of Erin Gray in her skin tight spacesuits (yum). The Star Trek stuff looks so antiseptic, doesn’t it? How do you turn such a cerebral show into a line of action toys? I guess that’s why they didn’t last. The Star Birds were spaceships that, like, made noises and stuff. The Retroist talks about them here.

(All images via WishbookWeb. Click to enlarge.)

1981 Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog: Insane Laughing Heads and the Green Weenie

“The Laffun Heads… spit water at you, stick out their tongues, roll their eyes and convulse into about 20 seconds of insane laughter!” That’s not freaky at all. But at least they don’t have hands with which to strangle and/or stab you to death in your sleep. Shogun Warriors, protect me!

“Squeeze the Green Weenie” has got to be the best “toy” ever cataloged: “Eyes will pop and tongue will wag. Sure to be a popular diversion at your next party. The Green Weenie is about 6½ inches long…”

A 12 inch version appeared in 1979, but the divorce rate in the American suburbs instantly tripled, so it was banned by a Moral Majority-led coalition and eventually airdropped en masse over the annual Russian Women’s Bureau Conference.

(Images via the glorious and iconic WishbookWeb. Click to enlarge.)

1981 Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog: Strawberry Shortcake

Apparently Strawberry Land stirs more than the imagination! Happy adventures, indeed.

1981 Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog: The Empire Strikes Back and… Ventriloquist Dolls?

1981.xx.xx Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog P469

MW ESB 1981

1981.xx.xx Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog P416

“Team up with a ventriloquist doll and stage your own talk show with these famous funnymen!” I’ll pass, thanks. I realize this catalog came out before we were all scarred for life by that goddamn clown scene in Poltergeist (1982), but still, what boy is going to ask for a Mortimer Snerd dummy when he can get a Slave I or Snow Speeder for the same price, or the Dagobah Action Playset and a Tauntaun? If there’s one thing we learned in the ’80s, it’s that all dolls are alive and will turn on you, usually with knives. Action figures are also alive, of course, but if you scatter them under the sheets and prop them up on the nightstand, they will protect you while you sleep.

(All images from the kidtastic Wishbook Web. Click images to enlarge.)

1981 Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog: Dark Tower

1981.xx.xx Montgomery Ward Christmas Catalog P490

Son of a bitch. I’d completely forgotten about Dark Tower until I saw this. It came out in 1981, but I don’t know when I got it (I can’t see my parents shelling out $40 for this thing). Maybe in ’82 or ’83, when I had settled into D&D. The TV commercial, starring a decrepit-looking Orson Welles, has become rather famous in the nerd world:

The game of “electronic wizardry” was considered pretty cutting-edge at the time, although I remember it getting pretty boring after only a few plays (probably because I had no one else to play it with). The tower rumbled around in my closet of toys for years, every so often switching on and spitting out those outlandish sound effects.

As I mentioned here, I don’t remember playing the D&D Computer Labyrinth Game (1980), which Dark Tower chased, probably because the price rarely went down on D&D stuff in those days. Even the modules were tremendously expensive. I remember ogling rows and rows of them in the hobby shop.

As for the Ouija Board, let’s be honest, nobody our age who saw The Exorcist (usually after the parental units absolutely forbid it) ever touched the goddamn things. To this day any mention of “Captain Howdy” drives chills through my body.

(Image via WishbookWeb)

1983 Sears Christmas Catalog: Miscellaneous Observations

All images via the outrageously cool WishbookWeb.

Like, totally. This used to be hot, I shit you not.

There are between 10 and 20 pages of watches in the ’83 catalog. I forgot how fashionable they used to be, especially in the kid world. We didn’t have the internet to advertise our likes and obsessions, and watches were one way to show the other kids how cool we were. And all adults wore watches. It was the law.

Okay, so we’re in the “Health care” section, right? So why do we have an ashtray listed at (3)? Well, because the ashtray “Uses powerful airflow to draw smoke through 6-stage filter and releases it as clean air.”

This thing is really, really scary. My guess is that quite a few of the girls who liked Strawberry Shortcake this much went insane.

1983 Sears Christmas Catalog: Return of the Jedi and G.I. Joe Toys

All images via the illustrious WishbookWeb.

The Hoth Imperial Attack Base might have been the last Star Wars toy I ever got, because of…

1983 Sears Christmas Catalog: Lego Space, Crossbows and Catapults, and `Far-Away Worlds’

These are from WishbookWeb, an absolutely brilliant site where you can find beautiful scans of complete Christmas catalogs all the way back to the ’30s. Yes, my plan is to go through these catalogs (from the ’70s and ’80s, anyway) one page at a time and post the stuff I like and probably circled when making Christmas lists as a kid. (Click images to enlarge.)

Lego may be the single greatest toy line ever produced for kids, and Lego Space, in my opinion, is the company’s greatest achievement. We essentially built our own visions of life in space. Sure, the first time through we followed the directions and built what we saw on the front of the box, but after that the Legos went into giant Tupperware containers with hundreds of other Legos, at which point we relied exclusively on imagination. Unfortunately, Legos have always been too expensive. All the kids in my neighborhood would have to get together and combine Lego forces to produce our individual and collective masterpieces. Nobody ever went home with the same Legos they brought to the table. And that was okay.

I had a lot of fun playing (mostly with myself) Crossbows and Catapults, until all those goddamn caroms got lost. A hundred years from now, if the houses we grew up in are still standing, the inhabitants will still be digging these things out from the crevasses. And they would really fly, man, especially if you double-wrapped the rubber bands on the catapults.

It’s funny to see all the satanic D&D stuff (notice the Endless Quest books?) in a respectable catalog. I remember seeing the Star Frontiers ads in the comics of the day, but I never had it or played it (apparently some of the old folks still play it today). The Star Trek RPG came out in ’82, although I was too into D&D at the time to notice.


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