Archive for the 'Movie Trailers' Category

Great Bad Trailers for Great Bad Movies: Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell (1978)

The incredible bad TV cast includes Richard Crenna (dad), Yvette Mimieux (mom), and Kim Richards and Ike Eisenmann (brother and sister). Richards and Eisenmann also starred as siblings in Disney’s Escape to Witch Mountain (1975) and Return from Witch Mountain (1978). (My first two crushes were Richards and Maria Persson, who played Annika in the Pippi Longstocking movies.)

As of now, you can watch Devil Dog: The Hound of Hell here. Skip to the 1:28:20 mark to see the final encounter between Crenna and the devil dog in its wretchedly rendered demonic state. Rawr!

Devil Dog 1978

Great Bad Trailers for Great Bad Movies: The Beastmaster (1982)

Yeah, I just transcribed the entire voice-over for you. Please do me the favor of passing it along and sprinkling phrases of it into your everyday conversation. For example, if your coworker Bruce says, “I can’t stand this goddamn job and I think my wife is sleeping with a man who wears a ponytail,” you say: “Bruce, you really need to conquer your fears, face the unknown, and discover the incredible link between man, animal, and all that is phantasmagorical.”

It was foretold by witches. It was conceived through sorcery. And it was to be destroyed by all that is evil. But the courage of one mortal saved it.

And so, into an age of darkness, in a time of mysticism, sacrifice, and plunder, there came the only light… THE BEASTMASTER.

Born with the strength of a black tiger, the courage of an eagle, the power that made him more than any hero… more than any lover.

He was lord and master over all beasts. (AAAAAWWK). He was THE BEASTMASTER.

Behold the wonder, the horror, the fantasy, the challenge of the one warrior they called… THE BEASTMASTER.

Marc Singer is Dar. Tanya Roberts is Kiri. Rip Torn is Maax. John Amos is Seth. Together they take us on a fascinating journey back into unexplored times.

Conquer your fears. Face the unknown. And discover the incredible link between man, animal, and all that is phantasmagorical.

In the world of dungeons, dragons, and Dar: THE BEASTMASTER: The epic adventure of a new kind of hero.

Great Trailers for Great Movies: Alien (1979)

Now that’s a trailer.

(Video source: GhostCove)

Bad Trailers for Good Movies: Star Wars (1977)

“The story of a boy, a girl, and a universe”? What the shit does that mean? Just because the story takes place in the universe doesn’t mean the universe is part of the story. Unless the story is about the Big Bang, which it’s not. Maybe I’m being overly philosophical. My point is, what’s with all these creepy narrators ruining trailers for classic ’70s movies?

I do kind of dig the ambient strings in the background, but it’s way more Star Trek than Star Wars. Was the pompously awesome John Williams score not ready yet? Here’s a later trailer with the original music.

This is better. “No legendary adventure of the past could be as exciting as this romance of the future” is pretty lame, but the narrator is not as invasive, and there’s nothing about a boy-girl-universe love triangle.

Friend J. sent me the first clip. He’s hunting down more as we speak.

Condorman (1981) Trailer

Son of a bitch. Condorman! And of course the bastards at Disney made the DVD available exclusively to members of the Disney Movie Club.

Bad Trailers for Good Movies: Rocky (1976)

My friend J. sent this to me because I didn’t believe trailers used to be this bad. Now I believe. Could the narrator sound any smarmier? “He’s the man who could be loved by only one woman, because somehow she gets beneath the pain.” Really? And all that dialogue in the beginning about Stallone (not Rocky, but Stallone) being sensitive and sexy?

I must find more of these…

(Video source: devjit11111111)

Message from Space (1978) Trailer

This movie is awesome and you should see it at least once before you die. It’s the semi-official Star Wars rip-off from Japan.

“I’m a human being from the planet Earth!”

(Source: Trash Trailers)

The Doberman Gang (1972) Trailer

“Six savage Dobies with a thirst for cold cash that leaves banks bone dry… See The Doberman Gang bite the long arm of the law!”

Do you love it?

(Source: Trash Trailers)


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